Best of 2008: Music

File this under: Not Funny

My Top 15 Albums of the Year plus some other things!

15)
Britney Spears- "Circus" (contender for worst cover of the year, seriously)

Was it that I'm just happy she's not throwing things at cars anymore? Nah. I just am not ashamed when I come across a really good pop record and this is a REALLY good pop record. It's more a Britney album than "Blackout" ever was (though that made #10 on my list last year) and it really only has one track that makes me want to throw it out the window ("My Baby"). Pop music gets a bad rap for some reason, but it's fun and you can dance to it and that makes for good music in my opinion.

14)
David Byrne & Brian Eno- "Everything That Happens Will Happen Today"

This is probably #14 because I never got some alone time with this album but I got enough time with it to know that it is truly grand. David Byrne's songwriting is in top form and Brian Eno's production always adds a nice mix that doesn't overpower but makes it seem so organic that you hardly notice it. The saddest part of 2008 for me was missing David Byrne in Memphis.

13)
ManPlus- "The Hungarian Suicide Songbook"

Seattle-based band that's pretty low on the radar even for indie status but if you're a fan of trippy power pop/punk that makes you dance and yell, then please check this band out. I've been a fan for awhile and this is their strongest album yet and the production values just keep getting better every time. I hear they're a knockout live too.

12)
Sam Phillips- "Don't Do Anything"

I've always heard her name but never really checked out her music but I could not ignore the tons of positive reviews I kept reading about this album. There is not a bad song in this bunch. They are simple, mostly acoustic but somehow stay interesting and leave me wanting more once the album ends.

11)
Terami Hirsch- "A Broke Machine"

If you know me, you know I've been a fan of Terami since the first release years and years ago. And with each release there's a new maturity in voice, confidence, production, songwriting, etc. etc. but I never thought I'd be so blown away as I was with this album. Terami took vocal lessons before recording the album and BOY does it show. Her vocals on the song "What I Didn't See" are so moving and so effective, they give me chills every time. She continues to amaze me.

10)
Elbow- "Seldom Seen Kid"

This is my first "agreeing with the hype" album of my list. But I can't help it when the hype is right for once. When Elbow beat my new favorite artist out for the MERCURY PRIZE of 2008 I had to check them out. Their sound is fresh and the song "Grounds for Divorce" might be one of my faves of the year. Definitely one to check out.

9)
Goldfrapp- "Seventh Tree"

This is the first album of Goldfrapp's I've ever listened to and from the very beginning of the kinda-creepy opening track "Clowns" I was hooked. And it just gets better with every track moving from melancholy to giddy to really really strange. Her voice is able to convey so much and it's something I haven't heard in a really long time from an artist.

8)
Veda Hille- "This Riot Life"

From start to finish this is just a solid album with great songwriting, great musicians, amazing guests, and Veda's extreme awesomeness. Her past releases have been hit and miss but "This Riot Life" makes me so excited to see what else she's going to come up with. It's a very fun album!


7)
Cyndi Lauper- "Bring Ya to the Brink"

Despite the title, this quickly became my favorite Cyndi Lauper album of all time. Fans have been waiting for Cyndi to embrace the dance/electronic craze that she's so perfect for and she did not disappoint (give or take the song "Lyfe"). Her single "into the nightlife" is probably one of the best dance songs I've heard in a really really long time...too bad she can't get a hit to save her life anymore. Cyndi proves she can still compete with the best of them (and win) and that she has one of the strongest voices in pop music history.

6)
Rachael Yamagata- "elephants...teeth sinking in"

We waited too long for this album so good thing it didn't disappoint. Double albums can be tricky, especially a double album where the first album is filled with slow-piano driven songs about broken hearts and love. Luckily, that is Rachael's strong point and she delivers the best songs of her career. My only complaint is that the second disc, which is filled with songs with harder edges and a more rock approach, is too short. They are amazing songs with amazing lyrics, I hope we don't have to wait too long for the next release.

5)
Conor Oberst- "Conor Oberst"

I will always love anything this man does but I love some more than others. I was highly disappointed with Bright Eyes' last album "Cassadaga" but after getting my hands on this more-varied album and seeing Conor in concert twice, I was sold on his awesomeness.

4)
The Raconteurs- "Consolers of the Lonely"

Jack White is a prolific piece of rock god. But I wasn't sold on The Raconteurs with their first album and even on first listen of this album I threw it to the side and said "meh". Luckily, I picked it back up out of boredom (and because Jessica wouldn't stop talking about it) and fell in love with every track. Jack and company play off each other so well and luckily I got to see them live which is an experience! Love this album now.

3)
Evangelicals- "The Evening Descends"

One of the most exciting/amazing live bands I've been able to experience this year. They mix their Flaming Lips/My Chemical Romance sound with their love for bad horror movies, loud noises, and the lead singer's AMAZING vocal range. If you find them coming to your town anytime soon be sure to check them out. This album took a minute to grow on me but it definitely did.

2)
Aimee Mann- "@%$#! Smilers"

Aimee's always been a favorite of mine but she's been getting a little spotty on her releases. I am happy to say that this album is a masterpiece and Aimee is writing better songs and singing with more emotion than I've ever heard. Her vocals on "It's Over" are just flawlessly chill-worthy. Not a bad song on this album, she's one of the great songwriters of this century.

1)
Laura Marling- "Alas I Cannot Swim"

It's been a REALLY long time since I've bought an album on a whim and been so immediatly attached to it as I did this one. Laura is only 18 years old and she's already writing songs that blow me away (she was also nominated for the MERCURY PRIZE that Elbow won). I checked my last.fm stats and I listened to this album four times more than anything this year so that's why it belongs on my #1.
--------------------------------------
Honorable Mentions:
P!nk-"Funhouse" (too many sappy ballads but when it's fun, it's great)
Santogold- s/t (Didn't have too much time with it but loved what I heard)
Jenny Lewis- "Acid Tongue" (a few great ones and too many blahs to make the list)
Beck- "Modern Guilt" (check out the song "Walls" if you check anything out)
The Pretenders- "Breakup the Concrete" (Chrissie Hynde is back in top form)
Amanda Palmer- "Who Killed Amanda Palmer?" (I don't like when she yells at me but she's very enchanting)
Donna Summer- "Crayons" (it's okay but for a woman trying to make a comeback the album sounds VERY modern and has a lot of catchy songs on it...Diana Ross should take note because Donna Summer is doing it right just not as good as Cyndi)

--------------------------
Disappointments of the Year:
Bloc Party- "Intimacy"
Martha Wainwright- "I Know You're Married But I've Got Feelings Too" (I've loved most of these songs live and she's a fave of mine but man, don't let your husband produce your album ever again please)
Ryan Adams & The Cardinals- "Cardinology"
Sarah Slean- "The Baroness" (Sarah goes all Sarah Mclachlan on us and doesn't even have a baby to blame)
of Montreal- whatever it was called
Cat Power- "Jukebox"

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Concerts of the Year:
Over the Rhine
Conor Oberst
The Raconteurs
--------------------------
Songs of the Year:
"Falling Down"-Scarlett Johannson
"Hot N' Cold"- Katy Perry (sorry, it's catchy)
"Another Way to Die"- Alicia Keys and Jack White

I did not call in "gay" to work yesterday...

Don't get me wrong. I would have. I TOTALLY would have. But I've done it so many times in the four years I've been at my job that I just don't think it would have any impact anymore, plus I think they might think I'm lying.

Excuse 1:
Me: "Can't come to work, I'm tired"
Them: "What? We're all tired"
Me: "Well, gays need more sleep and I'm gay"
Them: "Oh, k. Rest up."

Excuse 2:
Me: "Can't seem to find my dark denim jeans and they're the only ones that go with my light work t-shirt so I'm just going to stay home and alphabetize my Broadway bootlegs"
Them: "What? We all need to do that."
Me: "Well, gays have a different alphabet than you guys"
Them: "Oh, k. Good luck."

Excuse 3:
Me: "I'm sick, I don't think I can make it today"
Them: "Oh, are you okay?"
Me: "I think I might be gay"
Them: "Oh, k. You should probably see a doctor."

So, as you can tell I was stretching for excuses already and if I were to say "Umm I can't come in today because I don't think you guys can run this place without my gayness and I'm trying to prove that to you." then they may realize we don't actually have a different alphabet. I can't jeopardize that. Sorry guys.

What everyone should do on their birthday...

fall in public.
while dressed like Santa Claus.

I highly recommend it.

That darn Pig!

The Evolution of a Drunken Haircut

The "Yeah this is a great idea!" before shot

The "I think a Mullet would be hilarious!" shot

The "I actually look kinda tough and cool with the mullet, I may keep it" shot

The day after.

My scariest Halloween memory

beat that.

Halloweenoscopes

Your Halloweenoscopes courtesy of me and Old Milwaukee

Aries: Lay off the candy this year, only because it's soon to be Thanksgiving and all we need is to hear your mother talk about how you've "put on another 15 or so" and then refuse you the privilege of pumpkin pie. Costume suggestion: Hannibal Lecter (because your mouth would be caged? Get it?)

Taurus: All your friends are sick of hearing about all the parties you got invited to and how you just can't make up your mind which one to go to. They all know by "parties I'm invited to" you mean "parties I read about on someone else's Myspace page". So suck it up and carve a pumpkin with your little sister and watch "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" for the third time this week. Costume suggestion: Wear your pajamas and go as "sleepy and lame". No one's going to see you anyway.

Gemini: I know it's hard to figure out which crazy voice in your head you want to dress this year so I'll make it easy for you: dress them all! Costume suggestion: Ninja, Crazy cat lady, Joe Biden, Sexy pirate, and a pencil...all at once.

Cancer: So you're hosting a party eh? And you over boiled the noodles so that they don't feel like the witches hair anymore eh? Never fear! You'll need the food later when everyone leaves after you announce that you thought it would be fun to bob for apples instead of drink this year. Costume suggestion: Something you got from Party City on the day before Halloween...probably a witch hat.

Leo: I'm thinking you're going to be the one to hangout with this year! You got yo party socks on and pumpkin bucket filled with jello shots...however, please please please resist that urge that's telling you it will be funny to dress like Sarah Palin, please. You're going to thank me when every brunette who's voting Obama this year thinks they're clever too. Costume suggestion: Not Sarah Palin. Sarah Plain and Tall could be cool though.

Virgo: It's nice of you to buy so much candy for your trick or treaters this year but seriously, no one likes those nasty orange and black toffee things that your grandmother used to keep for years around her house because everyone threw them back at her. Feed those to your dog and go buy some Nerds (for me). Costume suggestion: Zombie Little Bo Beep, complete with Zombie Little Bo Sheep.

Libra: You love a good scare. So you're out for adventure. Scratch that idea to go see "Saw XX" or "The Haunting of Some Girl Who Screams a Lot" instead take your friends to the Baptist church and get a good old fashioned Jesus-scare and realize that you're a hellion and need to stop being such a whore. Costume suggestion: Mary Magdalen, it'll make it easier for them to point you in the right direction.

Scorpio: Dress up with a fellow Scorpio and see if you can get away with some trick or treating (don't go to a Virgo's house though unless you like those toffee things), if you can't, EGG 'EM! EGG 'EM GOOD! Costume suggestion: An egg.

Sagittarius: Out of money and unable to think of a costume idea, like me? Yeah I feel ya man. So find a good place for sitting, get a box of wine, and carve curse words into pumpkins and throw them at children...as the night goes on you will find the kids get drunker and so hitting them with pumpkins becomes more fun. Costume suggestion: Crotchety old man.

Capricorn: Old people need love to. So go visit a nursing home, dressed as something they may remember and love. Take them some candy corn and then relish in the fact that they can not have sweets past 3pm...so you can eat it while you watch the Weather Channel and listen to stories about how they had to make their own candy on Halloween, fifteen feet in the snow or however that goes. Costume suggestion: Walter Cronkite.

Aquarius: You're forcing your love interest to theme-dress with you. This will cause a giant riff in your relationship for the rest of your freakin' life, no matter how much they say they're okay with it. ESPECIALLY if it's something cutesy like Raggedy Ann and Andy (I think I saw that on tv or something, probably on the CW). I'm just sayin' if you love them, set them free...or let them dress like that sports guy they like. Costume suggestion: A Zoo animal because that will amuse me if you are a monkey or a panda.

Pisces: Halloween fights are the best. Bar brawls are cool and everything but man, when the people are dressed up it's TRIPLEDUPLE the hilariousness! Two ridiculously costumed drunkards trying to hit each other with a bunch of ridiculously costumed drunkards cheering them on is my idea of a grand Halloween. Make it happen, for me...and the children. Costume suggestion: I've always wanted to see someone in that two-person horse costume they always wear in cartoons and if I get to see one of those try to fight....best.halloween.ever.

Safety first! Check all your candy for razor blades and date rape drugs, unless that's what you're into and then, YAY!

A Confession Part 3

I made a website when I was 17. It apparently still lives.

Nerdtastic

Ye Olde Drunk Story

I feel the need to share some crazy drunk stories for you guys (aka for Cat who is the only one who reads apparently). So I'm scouring my archives/mind/old blogs for some to tell you. I'll start with my favorite:
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originally written Dec. 30th, 2007
Now normally I'm not one to say "oh Peter, you won't believe the dumbass stupid shit I did whilst enjoying a few adult beverages the other night" in a blog. Mainly because I just don't have that kind of time, very very busy.

But we're coming to a new year and this story is just too good to not tell the Internet. So here we go. Turn your t.v. down first, it's rude.

I started the night off taking some Penetrators with Megan at the Cafe Ole while waiting for Jessica to hurry up and get off work so we could get to the Blue Monkey and catch Ryan Peele's band (they're damn good btw). Already, things were getting hazy.

I don't recall what I was drinking at the Monkey. Probably apple juice or something as appropriate. In fact, I don't recall who exactly was at the Blue Monkey with me but if you were, I blame you partially (fully) for the events that happened next. Shamed yet? Just you wait.

Jessica and I headed downtown after the Blue Monkey to meet up with Hilary...at least that's what I'm told our purpose was. I'm not big on the downtown scene but get a few apple juices in me and I'm game for anything except Indian food. (are these jokes working for you? It's late and I'm tired).

I recall bits and pieces of Silky's and the Double Deuce but nothing much more than seeing a few people I knew and probably being the life of the bar.

Problem: Now, somehow in between or after or before these bars I got separated from Jessica and Hilary. At this point, my cellphone decides to die. Ruh roh!

While Jessica was m.i.a (turns out she was having to pay to get a boot taken off of her car, she had her own adventures) I decided I had had just enough and so it was time for little Me to get his ass home so he can be pretty and rested and sober for work in the A.M.

Problem 2: I can't seem to remember which parking garage I parked my new little red Neon in. Hmm. So I wander around to a few of them. Have you noticed they all look the same? Yeah, they do. And there are LOTS and LOTS of red cars. Hey people, there are other colors, though I understand your desire to get closer to me by having the same car color.

After stumbling around from car hole to car hole I decide this is not a job for just one person. So I find a friend. A smelly, box-livin', whiskey drinkin' friend. Well, I near started a bloody riot when trying to choose my new best friend! Everyone wanted to help little ol' me out! Shucks! So helpful those God sends are.

I ended up going with the one who most resembled Eddie Murphy in hopes that he would do the "Donkey" from "Shrek" voice the entire time. He did not. So Eddie and I hit the streets! He promised me that he could find my car! So we went back to every damn parking garage and every time I saw a red car he would say "I KNOW THIS IS IT!!!! THIS YO CAR!!!". Like he had won the damn lottery, I appreciated his enthusiasm but it was a little tiring because he got me excited each time too...only to be let down time and time again.

He tried to take me to some scary parking lots but I assured him that, as a gentleman, I would NEVER ever ever park in such a place. So we hit the garages again. By this time, Eddie and I had bonded and I had wiped out in the street at least two times. I was sobering up from all that damn walking too.

A nice Caucasian man on the road inquired about Eddie and told me to stop hanging out with the bums and just go to the parking lot security office. I called him a racist and then took his advice. High five!

Problem 3 (or 8, who's keeping track anymore?): The security people were FAR from helpful. I tried to explain to them that I could not describe the parking garage I drove into because I could not remember doing so. They weren't buying it. They informed me they had been watching me on the cameras for "quite some time" and that my car was definitely not in their garage. Pfft. Then they made Eddie go away so I had to fucking run down the road to catch him.

We tried a few more cars. And SOMEHOW at SOMETIME in this whole adventure I broke my key off. I would like to take this time to publicly apologize to whomever went to get their car the next day only to find a broken key in their door. I do feel bad, but not as bad as I probably should.

Still with me? Cuz I got more!

I asked Eddie to find me a cab. He was eager and willing, which is how I like my homeless celebrity friends. I thanked Eddie and paid him $20 for his companionship during this trying time in my life. And then...THEN Eddie stabbed me in the back. "Could you spare a couple more dollars?". Oh mane I almost donkey punched him in his cabbage head! Instead i just got in the cab, keeping the peace.

So here is where some sense started coming back to me. By now, it was about 5:30am. Half way to my apartment it finally donned on me that maybe my car was not downtown in the first place. "Cabbie! Take me to Cafe Ole!". And because it's his job or because he's really sweet on me, he did what I asked.

This was reunion number one for the night. Me and Neon together again. I thought I was SO smart for figuring out where my car was! I hugged Noah and Moses (my jesus fish) and went to get inside my car.

Problem Again: Oh no, where is the rest of the key that unlocks my door??? No deal. No mas. Game over friend, game over. I had no idea what I would do now. No phone. No entry into my car. No way home.

And then it happened. My "Somewhere Out There" moment that still blows my mind. Out of the corner of my eye I see some crazy hooker parked sideways in the middle of the street right in front of DISH. And by crazy hooker, I mean Jessica! I asked her why she happened to be parked sideways in the middle of the street and it turns out, bitch ran out of gas!

I tell you, what are the fucking odds!??? Why was she driving around Dish at 6am? Why did she leave me downtown in the first place? And how crazy that she happened to break down right there just minutes before I arrived?

So we sat in her car for a good 15 minutes laughing uncontrollably at the night's adventures that we both had. Then we decided we should get her car out of the road.

The wrap up: Little Phillip came and took us to get some gas. Then he let us crash at his place because if I had come home I never would've made it to work.

So that's my story, the end of my song. Did you learn anything valuable? I learned that Jessica and I may be the funnest people in the world (i.e: hot messes) and that if I pay people $20 they will talk to me all night and pick me up when I fall down.

Eddie never would've left me downtown.

Keep this in your wallet gee-golly!

A Hooker Game

Play the Hooker Game!

Take the letters from the sign below and come up with something amazingly hilarious (and wedding reception appropriate:



leave your cleverness as a comment. I'll draw you a duck in a cowboy hat if you're funny enough.

P.S: you don't have to use all the letters if you don't wanna :-)

A Hooker Wedding Part 1

The sun had set on The Old Knob Schoolhouse in Hooker, Arkansas. We had been to a very beautiful and very short (i.e: perfect) wedding at Ye Olde Hooker Church and were ready to continue our drinking.

We scoured the room for signs of delicious wine or "it'll have to do" beer but to no avail. When our flask started to run low our love for the bride and groom started to run dangerously high. Suddenly over the comforting sounds of a shotgun being fired repeatedly across the street we heard the back-fire of a pickup truck screeching around to the back of Old Knobby.

A kindly old grandmother lead us to the back and we were given four simple rules:
1) Beer must stay in the black plastic cups provided
2) Do not throw-up in or near the schoolhouse
3) Do not pee on the floor
4) Do not let the bride's father find out there is beer

In unison the five or so of us who were not 90 years old and asleep by 8pm yelled out a resounding "DEAL!".

In conclusion: It was the best homemade beer from a keg that I have ever drank from the back of a pickup truck behind an old schoolhouse in Hooker, Arkansas.

Stay tuned for more stories from this joyous weekend.

Tina Fey for President (or VP, I'm not picky)

I've been missing and tripping and other -ings.

I've been without internet for a month or so and let me tell you, I got a lot done! For starters, you can see from the photo to your left...I had some work done. I said "brad pitt in Fight Club please". And here we are. You like?

Only one?

Am I the only one who finds Kathie Lee Gifford hilarious?



http://www.todaysbigthing.com/2008/08/05

A Confession Part 2

For Halloween in 6th grade, I dressed up as Tina Turner, heels and brown-face included. And threw a party. At a church youth center.

We don't need another drag queen.

bright idea

dear jesus,

please build a giant air conditioner for when I need to go outside in the 100 degree heat. I understand that Global Warming was supposed to help this but...wrong again! Listen to me this time, GIANT.AIR.CONDITIONER.

Thanks,
hot.

My joke...

I read this while perusing the VH1 Best Week Ever blog and seriously can't stop telling it to people...the reactions are my favorite part.

"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"9/11"
"9/11 who?"
"You said you'd never forget!!!"

there ya go.

Only One!

If someone asked you to describe yourself by telling ONE joke that encompasses your sense of humor/style/personality as much as possible, what would it be?

I'm curious. I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.


p.s: Follow me on TWITTER if you're a nerd like that.

She won't go to her timeout chair...

Do you think Super Nanny would help me with my cat?

Memphis Pride

I think it was PRIDE or something in Memphis yesterday...it smelled of gay outside.

The parade goes right by Cafe Ole and I was waiting on a table (as I tend to do when in the mood):

Guy: What's going on? Some sort of gay parade?
Me: Correct.

Which got me to thinking...what clued that guy in first?
The men dressed like women?
The women who look like men?
The guys kissing other guys?
Madonna?
The feeling that everyone left skittles in their washing machines?

Whatever it was, that guy picked up on it.

This girl had on rainbow eyeshadow. Overkill or awesome? Not sure. Too much rainbow makes my head hurt.

I wanted to throw eggs at the parade. Not because I don't like the gays...but I'm pretty anti-parades without elephants.

That's all.

New job?

I need a job that puts my amazing text messaging ability to good/world-saving use.

Any ideas?

Where the boys are...

Attention ladies!

I have discovered where all the balding, single, slightly overweight, bad dressing men are at 11pm!

Why, they are at your local Schnucks Grocery Store...all buying the same thing!

1) Some variety of chip
2) Some variety of food that only needs a microwave
3) Some variety of beer that comes in packs of 6

I suspect a lot of you will be wanting to loiter around the Freezer section a little more now.

(let's forget the part that I only know this because I too was one of them except I think my fabulous hair caused a man to take the last bag of Cool Ranch Doritos out of spite, jerk)

Hiccups

Hiccups are annoying.
Hiccups in a crowded bar are even more so.

"Why are hiccups in a crowded bar more annoying BlogMan?", you ask. Well dear blog reader it's like this:

You get the hiccups in the midst of drinking with friends and all of a sudden you are surrounded by 30 drunken strangers who all want you to try some CRAAAAAAAAAAZY remedy for the hiccups that they have.

Last night it happened to me. And sure enough I had people throwing sugar packets at me, telling me to swing my head between my legs , chasing me around the bar with a spoonful of tabasco sauce (no joke), all the while I'm hiccuping like an idiot and looking like an idiot.

I can only imagine the joy people got watching me drink water through a napkin while saying the alphabet in spanish.

Well, finally a friend of mine said "follow me" and like a good sheep I followed. I started to get a bit skeptical when he went into the bathroom...at that point I loved the hiccups, they were my friends and nothing in that bathroom was worth losing friends over. When I looked up Bathroom Friend had a jar of something that he wanted me to drink.

"Magical Hiccup Potion?", I asked. "Yep".

So I drank. Just a sip. And as I felt it trying to come back up in a vomit-like fashion I noticed I was no longer hiccuping. No more hiccups! Just vomit! It's a miracle!

Moonshine is illegal why?

p.s: I didn't finish it

Dear Horrible Diet,

If it's any consolation, "The Baconater" from Wendy's wasn't even that good.


Love,
Fatty.

A Confession

I went through a denim jacket phase that I'm not particularly proud of.

I find myself turning into a crazy old lady more and more lately...

This morning I was talking to things in my bathroom. Not only talking to them but also assigning personality traits to them as well...I guess it makes me feel less crazy.

I really thought it strange that I said "good morning" to my contact lenses. But I also decided that my contact lenses are a little hard of hearing so I yelled it like they are in a nursing home.

I later stubbed my toe on the trashcan and apologized to it profusely.

Even the cat looks at me weird (i.e: jealously).

Quote of the Week: It's hard out there for a pimp but it's hard out there for a person too

I can't make this stuff up.

Not an April Fools joke. I repeat, NOT a joke.

Coming in July.

I might be way too excited about this. But I doubt it.

Show me your poll!

View this quiz on Quibblo More quizzes on Quibblo

Food Stress

As a lowly waiter of tables I have plenty of things I could bitch about regarding restaurant clientele...but I'll spare you and only bitch about one of those things.

Food is nothing to stress over. I believe this with all my tiny gay heart. However, people stress over food SO much that it's ridiculous.

Maybe I'm missing something, maybe I'm just a lot more laid back than your average joejane but if my burrito has sour cream beside it and I asked for no sour cream, I'm not going to pitch a giant fit about it and make a big scene in a crowded restaurant.

Why are you stressing out so bad because your fajitas aren't sizzling enough? Don't you have anything better to stress over in your life? Bills maybe? Your horrible marriage? Stress over those things for a minute and leave me out of it.

"I ASKED FOR CHICKEN NOT BEEEEEEF!"...alright well once you stop having a heart attack we will fix it. It's just food people, it's just food.

End of rant.

death by seasame pork tenderloin

Tonight I popped my Texas de Brazil cherry and whilst stuffing my face with meat I discovered how I wish to die.

I plan to hire one of those delightful foreign meat men (MM if you're nasty) to do exactly what they do in the restaurant inside my apartment. O f course, I will have one of those "Meat cards" so that when I am sleeping, MM will know not to slice me off another piece of bacon wrapped fillet.

And thus I will eventually eat myself into some cow coma.

Or I will eat myself into the size of a cow and suffer from mad cow disease and end up devouring MM...thus dying in an very large jail cell.

Either way.

my cat's box

As I was sipping (i.e chugging) my chardonnay at the Blue Monkey last night, my friend Mark called me a name. Insisting it was a compliment I made him slowly say and spell the word which I think I heard on that old Jimmy Kimmel game show with the eye drop guy.

"You're an anomaly"

I asked for clarification and since he was slowly getting drunker he was making less sense by the second...

"you're the only guy...umm...who enjoys other guys...but...isn't concerned with...umm...the state of his cat's box?"

of course. the litter box explains everything! NO, no it didn't.

So I turned to dictionary dot com because I don't really know many words, yet here I am.

They say:

1 : the angular distance of a planet from its perihelion as seen from the sun 2 : deviation from the common rule : irregularity 3 : something anomalous : something different, abnormal, peculiar, or not easily classified

And let it be said...if he ever fucking says anything at all about my angular perihelion again I swear I'll need a new hard rocker friend.

a thousand drunken dreams

was the alternate title.

there will be a test later.