Scratch n' Sniff blog #2

This is a scratch and sniff blog!

*sniff here*

on a downtown trolley

Long time no bloggy! I have received many a letter-bomb and smoke signal saying things like "Eric, where's the blog???" and "hey man, you're the only blog on the Internet that says stuff about stuff I don't care about...where did ya go????".

After months and months of debating whether to let these people commit suicide or to update my blog, I decided on the latter. Why? Because I'm sitting in a lesbian bar by myself leeching their free Internet and drinking their $2.50 beers and I have nothing else to do.

Long story short: I've been unemployed. I have no Internet at home. It makes blogging difficult. And even if I HAD Internet at home all I've been doing is sitting on my futon eating Ramen noodles and trying to make wine out of the cat. So there.

So after a month of searching I have found a day job. It pays nothing and is wayyyyy more exercise than I'm used to but it gives me something to do and gives my butt a rest. I've been passing out menus/promoting a new restaurant in downtown Memphis which is MUCH harder than I thought. My leg muscles soon will be able to crush your head!!!! MUHAHAHA!

Here are some things I've encountered in my week of downtown adventure.

• Numerous people peeing all over the place.
  
• People chasing me down trying to give me Jesus pamphlets. They won't even take a menu in return. "I don't need literature on how to be a sinner son"...wow.
• On Veteran's Day instead of watching the parade I watched grown people fight children for the candy being thrown in the streets. The children never won.
• A guy seriously tried to give me a box full of ceramic ducks "for the restaurant" and started screaming loudly when I wouldn't take it. At least he took a menu.
• Trolleys don't have to obey street lights and don't have to recognize pedestrians.

Nothing too exciting. And now my fingers are tired because I'm not used to doing anything but sitting around and watching the same episodes of The Simpsons over and over (I make my own commentary). Until next time ya'll!!! P.S: Send money!

Baby's first celebrity feud

So I've decided I need a new "thing". My "things" don't tend to last long so don't worry too much about it but hear me out anyway. Imma start as many celebrity feuds as I can. Wait until TMZ gets this scoop!

Eric vs. Lyle Lovette and his Large Band


The other day I was merrily on my way to the bus stop so that I could get on said bus and go to my job and make money to feed my starving cat (on my side yet?) when to my horror I noticed that my bus stop and the entire block was taken up by four large semi-trucks and a couple of tour buses (I KNOW!). Come to find out ol' Lovette was playing over at Minglewood Hall. So not only would the bus not have seen me had I stood there but I doubt any of those roadies would've let me hide inside and touch stuff.

"What ever did you do you poor thing?". Well, I had to...brace yourselves...WALK TO THE NEXT BUS STOP!!!!! Sorry if anything is misspelled right now, I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

So Lyle, for making me take 10 extra steps and probably stepping in some stuff that I wouldn't have stepped in otherwise...you're going down.

I await my apology. And a belt buckle.

High School Revisted: The Initial Horror

Today, whilst perusing Facebook for the 20th time in a mere 5 minute span, I noticed a group was formed all about planning our ten year high school reunion. Now, I knew it was inevitable and deep down I really knew we were coming up on it but still my initial reaction was "Nuh uh, I just graduated".

So after that shock I immediately went into panic-mode. Even though, thanks to assholes like Facebook, everyone knows what's up with me anyway. So I'm compiling a list of things to get done before said reunion. Or else I'm sending someone in my place. WHICH I really think would be hilarious. Especially if I can talk Spencer Pratt into it...or Oprah (people believe anything she says).

So far, here is my list:
1) Go on a 5 month fast, like Jesus did.
2) Borrow a baby or two so I can fit in with over half the people there...like Jesus did.
3) Convince someone to pretend to be my wife
4) Convince a hot guy to pretend to be my "business partner" that I brought along just for the heck of it and have my "wife" be perfectly oblivious.
5) Sex change
6) Two sex changes
7) If the fast doesn't work I want to gain about 300lbs and be escorted in on a crane. Now THAT'S an entrance!

If all else fails I'll probably go, get really wasted, and not remember any of it. Oh man, I wish it was tomorrow!!!

Eric Drunkypants Meets Gunny Jerkface

They're doing an "Old Ladies of Disco" medley on American Idol right now and I'm way too amused to concentrate on this blog. Hold please.




Alright. So most of you have heard this story, probably more than once but I had some requests for a "proper blog". Here we go.

After a long Sunday of drinking and seeing some theatre and drinking some more I decided to call it quits at the Blue Monkey around 3am and walk my car-less ass home...not my smartest idea but I've never claimed to be a smart drunk. On my way down Madison Ave. in front of the horrible Dragon China, a man whom I shall refer to as "Gunny Jerkface" approached me.

Gunny Jerkface: "Hey man, can I borrow a couple of bucks?"
Eric Drunkypants: "No sir, sorry"

and I went on my merry stumbling way until all of a sudden there was something blocking my way...oh! It was my friend Gunny Jerkface again but this time he was pointing a big ol' black gun right in my face.

THE REST OF THIS CONVERSATION CONTAINS LOTS OF F-BOMBS

GF: "I will f&%$@ shoot you in the face right now, I'll f!!!!)( kill you right now! Give me your money"
EDp: "Oh"

at this point I calmly took my wallet out of my torn pocket and handed him the $40-ish dollars I didn't spend at the bar(s). Thinking that our transaction was complete, I moved around him and continued my walk home.

GF: "HEY! Give me your motherf^^^^$$$& wallet!"

Now, at this point I was annoyed. He already had my money and threatened my life. What did he want my wallet for??? Was he freaking out about not being prepared for the Big Switch to digital t.v. and really needed my converter box coupon? Did he need my Sekisui discount card? So, I thought about it for .1 of a second.

EDp: "No sir. I need my I.D."

My drunk mouth has gotten me into many a-troubles but really, I've never been known to sass a man named "Gunny" who by chance also had a huge gun. Well, "Gunny" also was a little taken aback by my refusal to hand over my wallet and when I turned around to walk off he decided to take the douchebag approach and PUNCH ME IN THE BACK OF THE FREAKIN' HEAD!

When I fell from the pussy blow, Gunny ran off. Probably in fear that I would turn into the Hulk and HulkSmash him into the buffet in front of us. And then, after sobering up for a bit, my drunkness came back in full force and I RAN home, twittered about my mugging, and passed out.

I'm ok. It's not funny and I could've been seriously hurt but I'm not and I'm happy about that. Be careful guys, peeps is crazy.

Bar Encounter #1

I'll probably do a lot of these but for some reason every time I go out some random person assumes they know me. Here's the most recent one:

Slut*: HEY! I shampooed your hair the other day!
Me: No ma'am, I did that myself.


*I only call you a slut because you assumed I was one.

I'm finally feeling this supposed "recession"

Setting: My place of employment
Time: about an hour after we closed

Waiting for my final table to finally get up and leave. Lady waves me over and hands me cash.

Me: "Do you need change?"
Her: "No!"
Me: "Thank you"

I don't count the money, I rarely do. They sit there for another 25 minutes and finally leave.

5 minutes later, Lady comes back.

Her: "You owe me $10!!!!"
Me: "Huh?"
Her: "You owe me $10."
Me: "You said you didn't need change"
Her: "Well, I decided to leave your tip on the table instead. Did you get it?"
Me: "The $2? Yeah I got that." (Note: her tab was $35)
Her: "You know we're in a recession baby!"
Me: "..."
Me: "..."
Me: *smacks a bitch*

The end.

Dear Midtown,

If you happen to be in the area of this:






could you possibly help them tear this down faster by throwing bombs at it or hitting it with a shovel or with your empty PBR cans so that I can sleep past 7am?

Thank you,
Disgruntled and sleepy in Memphis

My diet secrets

So I've started this diet (yesterday) where I only eat half of my meals and I'd like to say, so far so good.

For lunch, I started off by having some grilled salmon and a small salad and only ate half of it. GO ERIC! I drank water the rest of the day and then my friend bought me a nice little box of delicious chocolates which I immediately ripped open the heart-shaped-box and proceeded to eat only HALF of each piece of chocolate! I was really on a roll!

For dinner I decided to head over to the Young Avenue Deli and normally I would've had a few drinks and ripped into a full order of their amazing cheese sticks. Nope, not New Eric! New Eric had only HALF an order of those cheese sticks! In your face fat!

Today might be a little harder but I have my meals planned already:
Breakfast: One hotdog instead of two
Lunch: Half a box of wine
Dinner: The other half of that box

It's time for change ya'll!

Inaugural Balls are in your face!

Everyone I know has turned 14 and are loving it!

My best Inaugural Balls joke involved: "All those black tie balls".

What was your best?

I'm going to be a STAR!

So at the work Christmas party I ended up doing wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much Karaoke (as one tends to do at an open bar/karaoke function). I thought nothing of it but now a guy that works in our kitchen is hell-bent on being my manager and us making it big. He has big plans for me too:

Him: "Hey guys!!!! Guess who's going to be on the BET AWARDS?"
Me: "Who?"
Him: "You'll be right up there singing!!! With Elton John!"
Me and 4 other people: "Why is Elton John at the BET Awards?"

It was nice knowing you guys but I'm going to be HUGE!

Joke of the moment

I'm obsessed with making jokes/reference to the SNUGGIE so please forgive me if it's how I respond to everything you say.

"How are you today?"
"Could that shirt look anymore like a SNUGGIE??? OMGLOLZ!"