Thursday, October 30, 2008

Halloweenoscopes


Your Halloweenoscopes courtesy of me and Old Milwaukee

Aries: Lay off the candy this year, only because it's soon to be Thanksgiving and all we need is to hear your mother talk about how you've "put on another 15 or so" and then refuse you the privilege of pumpkin pie. Costume suggestion: Hannibal Lecter (because your mouth would be caged? Get it?)

Taurus: All your friends are sick of hearing about all the parties you got invited to and how you just can't make up your mind which one to go to. They all know by "parties I'm invited to" you mean "parties I read about on someone else's Myspace page". So suck it up and carve a pumpkin with your little sister and watch "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" for the third time this week. Costume suggestion: Wear your pajamas and go as "sleepy and lame". No one's going to see you anyway.

Gemini: I know it's hard to figure out which crazy voice in your head you want to dress this year so I'll make it easy for you: dress them all! Costume suggestion: Ninja, Crazy cat lady, Joe Biden, Sexy pirate, and a pencil...all at once.

Cancer: So you're hosting a party eh? And you over boiled the noodles so that they don't feel like the witches hair anymore eh? Never fear! You'll need the food later when everyone leaves after you announce that you thought it would be fun to bob for apples instead of drink this year. Costume suggestion: Something you got from Party City on the day before Halloween...probably a witch hat.

Leo: I'm thinking you're going to be the one to hangout with this year! You got yo party socks on and pumpkin bucket filled with jello shots...however, please please please resist that urge that's telling you it will be funny to dress like Sarah Palin, please. You're going to thank me when every brunette who's voting Obama this year thinks they're clever too. Costume suggestion: Not Sarah Palin. Sarah Plain and Tall could be cool though.

Virgo: It's nice of you to buy so much candy for your trick or treaters this year but seriously, no one likes those nasty orange and black toffee things that your grandmother used to keep for years around her house because everyone threw them back at her. Feed those to your dog and go buy some Nerds (for me). Costume suggestion: Zombie Little Bo Beep, complete with Zombie Little Bo Sheep.

Libra: You love a good scare. So you're out for adventure. Scratch that idea to go see "Saw XX" or "The Haunting of Some Girl Who Screams a Lot" instead take your friends to the Baptist church and get a good old fashioned Jesus-scare and realize that you're a hellion and need to stop being such a whore. Costume suggestion: Mary Magdalen, it'll make it easier for them to point you in the right direction.

Scorpio: Dress up with a fellow Scorpio and see if you can get away with some trick or treating (don't go to a Virgo's house though unless you like those toffee things), if you can't, EGG 'EM! EGG 'EM GOOD! Costume suggestion: An egg.

Sagittarius: Out of money and unable to think of a costume idea, like me? Yeah I feel ya man. So find a good place for sitting, get a box of wine, and carve curse words into pumpkins and throw them at children...as the night goes on you will find the kids get drunker and so hitting them with pumpkins becomes more fun. Costume suggestion: Crotchety old man.

Capricorn: Old people need love to. So go visit a nursing home, dressed as something they may remember and love. Take them some candy corn and then relish in the fact that they can not have sweets past 3pm...so you can eat it while you watch the Weather Channel and listen to stories about how they had to make their own candy on Halloween, fifteen feet in the snow or however that goes. Costume suggestion: Walter Cronkite.

Aquarius: You're forcing your love interest to theme-dress with you. This will cause a giant riff in your relationship for the rest of your freakin' life, no matter how much they say they're okay with it. ESPECIALLY if it's something cutesy like Raggedy Ann and Andy (I think I saw that on tv or something, probably on the CW). I'm just sayin' if you love them, set them free...or let them dress like that sports guy they like. Costume suggestion: A Zoo animal because that will amuse me if you are a monkey or a panda.

Pisces: Halloween fights are the best. Bar brawls are cool and everything but man, when the people are dressed up it's TRIPLEDUPLE the hilariousness! Two ridiculously costumed drunkards trying to hit each other with a bunch of ridiculously costumed drunkards cheering them on is my idea of a grand Halloween. Make it happen, for me...and the children. Costume suggestion: I've always wanted to see someone in that two-person horse costume they always wear in cartoons and if I get to see one of those try to fight....best.halloween.ever.

Safety first! Check all your candy for razor blades and date rape drugs, unless that's what you're into and then, YAY!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

A Confession Part 3

I made a website when I was 17. It apparently still lives.

Nerdtastic

Monday, October 13, 2008

Ye Olde Drunk Story

I feel the need to share some crazy drunk stories for you guys (aka for Cat who is the only one who reads apparently). So I'm scouring my archives/mind/old blogs for some to tell you. I'll start with my favorite:
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originally written Dec. 30th, 2007
Now normally I'm not one to say "oh Peter, you won't believe the dumbass stupid shit I did whilst enjoying a few adult beverages the other night" in a blog. Mainly because I just don't have that kind of time, very very busy.

But we're coming to a new year and this story is just too good to not tell the Internet. So here we go. Turn your t.v. down first, it's rude.

I started the night off taking some Penetrators with Megan at the Cafe Ole while waiting for Jessica to hurry up and get off work so we could get to the Blue Monkey and catch Ryan Peele's band (they're damn good btw). Already, things were getting hazy.

I don't recall what I was drinking at the Monkey. Probably apple juice or something as appropriate. In fact, I don't recall who exactly was at the Blue Monkey with me but if you were, I blame you partially (fully) for the events that happened next. Shamed yet? Just you wait.

Jessica and I headed downtown after the Blue Monkey to meet up with Hilary...at least that's what I'm told our purpose was. I'm not big on the downtown scene but get a few apple juices in me and I'm game for anything except Indian food. (are these jokes working for you? It's late and I'm tired).

I recall bits and pieces of Silky's and the Double Deuce but nothing much more than seeing a few people I knew and probably being the life of the bar.

Problem: Now, somehow in between or after or before these bars I got separated from Jessica and Hilary. At this point, my cellphone decides to die. Ruh roh!

While Jessica was m.i.a (turns out she was having to pay to get a boot taken off of her car, she had her own adventures) I decided I had had just enough and so it was time for little Me to get his ass home so he can be pretty and rested and sober for work in the A.M.

Problem 2
: I can't seem to remember which parking garage I parked my new little red Neon in. Hmm. So I wander around to a few of them. Have you noticed they all look the same? Yeah, they do. And there are LOTS and LOTS of red cars. Hey people, there are other colors, though I understand your desire to get closer to me by having the same car color.

After stumbling around from car hole to car hole I decide this is not a job for just one person. So I find a friend. A smelly, box-livin', whiskey drinkin' friend. Well, I near started a bloody riot when trying to choose my new best friend! Everyone wanted to help little ol' me out! Shucks! So helpful those God sends are.

I ended up going with the one who most resembled Eddie Murphy in hopes that he would do the "Donkey" from "Shrek" voice the entire time. He did not. So Eddie and I hit the streets! He promised me that he could find my car! So we went back to every damn parking garage and every time I saw a red car he would say "I KNOW THIS IS IT!!!! THIS YO CAR!!!". Like he had won the damn lottery, I appreciated his enthusiasm but it was a little tiring because he got me excited each time too...only to be let down time and time again.

He tried to take me to some scary parking lots but I assured him that, as a gentleman, I would NEVER ever ever park in such a place. So we hit the garages again. By this time, Eddie and I had bonded and I had wiped out in the street at least two times. I was sobering up from all that damn walking too.

A nice Caucasian man on the road inquired about Eddie and told me to stop hanging out with the bums and just go to the parking lot security office. I called him a racist and then took his advice. High five!

Problem 3 (or 8, who's keeping track anymore?): The security people were FAR from helpful. I tried to explain to them that I could not describe the parking garage I drove into because I could not remember doing so. They weren't buying it. They informed me they had been watching me on the cameras for "quite some time" and that my car was definitely not in their garage. Pfft. Then they made Eddie go away so I had to fucking run down the road to catch him.

We tried a few more cars. And SOMEHOW at SOMETIME in this whole adventure I broke my key off. I would like to take this time to publicly apologize to whomever went to get their car the next day only to find a broken key in their door. I do feel bad, but not as bad as I probably should.

Still with me? Cuz I got more!

I asked Eddie to find me a cab. He was eager and willing, which is how I like my homeless celebrity friends. I thanked Eddie and paid him $20 for his companionship during this trying time in my life. And then...THEN Eddie stabbed me in the back. "Could you spare a couple more dollars?". Oh mane I almost donkey punched him in his cabbage head! Instead i just got in the cab, keeping the peace.

So here is where some sense started coming back to me. By now, it was about 5:30am. Half way to my apartment it finally donned on me that maybe my car was not downtown in the first place. "Cabbie! Take me to Cafe Ole!". And because it's his job or because he's really sweet on me, he did what I asked.

This was reunion number one for the night. Me and Neon together again. I thought I was SO smart for figuring out where my car was! I hugged Noah and Moses (my jesus fish) and went to get inside my car.

Problem Again: Oh no, where is the rest of the key that unlocks my door??? No deal. No mas. Game over friend, game over. I had no idea what I would do now. No phone. No entry into my car. No way home.

And then it happened. My "Somewhere Out There" moment that still blows my mind. Out of the corner of my eye I see some crazy hooker parked sideways in the middle of the street right in front of DISH. And by crazy hooker, I mean Jessica! I asked her why she happened to be parked sideways in the middle of the street and it turns out, bitch ran out of gas!

I tell you, what are the fucking odds!??? Why was she driving around Dish at 6am? Why did she leave me downtown in the first place? And how crazy that she happened to break down right there just minutes before I arrived?

So we sat in her car for a good 15 minutes laughing uncontrollably at the night's adventures that we both had. Then we decided we should get her car out of the road.

The wrap up: Little Phillip came and took us to get some gas. Then he let us crash at his place because if I had come home I never would've made it to work.

So that's my story, the end of my song. Did you learn anything valuable? I learned that Jessica and I may be the funnest people in the world (i.e: hot messes) and that if I pay people $20 they will talk to me all night and pick me up when I fall down.

Eddie never would've left me downtown.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

A Hooker Game

Play the Hooker Game!

Take the letters from the sign below and come up with something amazingly hilarious (and wedding reception appropriate:



leave your cleverness as a comment. I'll draw you a duck in a cowboy hat if you're funny enough.

P.S: you don't have to use all the letters if you don't wanna :-)