Ye Olde Drunk Story

I feel the need to share some crazy drunk stories for you guys (aka for Cat who is the only one who reads apparently). So I'm scouring my archives/mind/old blogs for some to tell you. I'll start with my favorite:
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originally written Dec. 30th, 2007
Now normally I'm not one to say "oh Peter, you won't believe the dumbass stupid shit I did whilst enjoying a few adult beverages the other night" in a blog. Mainly because I just don't have that kind of time, very very busy.

But we're coming to a new year and this story is just too good to not tell the Internet. So here we go. Turn your t.v. down first, it's rude.

I started the night off taking some Penetrators with Megan at the Cafe Ole while waiting for Jessica to hurry up and get off work so we could get to the Blue Monkey and catch Ryan Peele's band (they're damn good btw). Already, things were getting hazy.

I don't recall what I was drinking at the Monkey. Probably apple juice or something as appropriate. In fact, I don't recall who exactly was at the Blue Monkey with me but if you were, I blame you partially (fully) for the events that happened next. Shamed yet? Just you wait.

Jessica and I headed downtown after the Blue Monkey to meet up with Hilary...at least that's what I'm told our purpose was. I'm not big on the downtown scene but get a few apple juices in me and I'm game for anything except Indian food. (are these jokes working for you? It's late and I'm tired).

I recall bits and pieces of Silky's and the Double Deuce but nothing much more than seeing a few people I knew and probably being the life of the bar.

Problem: Now, somehow in between or after or before these bars I got separated from Jessica and Hilary. At this point, my cellphone decides to die. Ruh roh!

While Jessica was m.i.a (turns out she was having to pay to get a boot taken off of her car, she had her own adventures) I decided I had had just enough and so it was time for little Me to get his ass home so he can be pretty and rested and sober for work in the A.M.

Problem 2: I can't seem to remember which parking garage I parked my new little red Neon in. Hmm. So I wander around to a few of them. Have you noticed they all look the same? Yeah, they do. And there are LOTS and LOTS of red cars. Hey people, there are other colors, though I understand your desire to get closer to me by having the same car color.

After stumbling around from car hole to car hole I decide this is not a job for just one person. So I find a friend. A smelly, box-livin', whiskey drinkin' friend. Well, I near started a bloody riot when trying to choose my new best friend! Everyone wanted to help little ol' me out! Shucks! So helpful those God sends are.

I ended up going with the one who most resembled Eddie Murphy in hopes that he would do the "Donkey" from "Shrek" voice the entire time. He did not. So Eddie and I hit the streets! He promised me that he could find my car! So we went back to every damn parking garage and every time I saw a red car he would say "I KNOW THIS IS IT!!!! THIS YO CAR!!!". Like he had won the damn lottery, I appreciated his enthusiasm but it was a little tiring because he got me excited each time too...only to be let down time and time again.

He tried to take me to some scary parking lots but I assured him that, as a gentleman, I would NEVER ever ever park in such a place. So we hit the garages again. By this time, Eddie and I had bonded and I had wiped out in the street at least two times. I was sobering up from all that damn walking too.

A nice Caucasian man on the road inquired about Eddie and told me to stop hanging out with the bums and just go to the parking lot security office. I called him a racist and then took his advice. High five!

Problem 3 (or 8, who's keeping track anymore?): The security people were FAR from helpful. I tried to explain to them that I could not describe the parking garage I drove into because I could not remember doing so. They weren't buying it. They informed me they had been watching me on the cameras for "quite some time" and that my car was definitely not in their garage. Pfft. Then they made Eddie go away so I had to fucking run down the road to catch him.

We tried a few more cars. And SOMEHOW at SOMETIME in this whole adventure I broke my key off. I would like to take this time to publicly apologize to whomever went to get their car the next day only to find a broken key in their door. I do feel bad, but not as bad as I probably should.

Still with me? Cuz I got more!

I asked Eddie to find me a cab. He was eager and willing, which is how I like my homeless celebrity friends. I thanked Eddie and paid him $20 for his companionship during this trying time in my life. And then...THEN Eddie stabbed me in the back. "Could you spare a couple more dollars?". Oh mane I almost donkey punched him in his cabbage head! Instead i just got in the cab, keeping the peace.

So here is where some sense started coming back to me. By now, it was about 5:30am. Half way to my apartment it finally donned on me that maybe my car was not downtown in the first place. "Cabbie! Take me to Cafe Ole!". And because it's his job or because he's really sweet on me, he did what I asked.

This was reunion number one for the night. Me and Neon together again. I thought I was SO smart for figuring out where my car was! I hugged Noah and Moses (my jesus fish) and went to get inside my car.

Problem Again: Oh no, where is the rest of the key that unlocks my door??? No deal. No mas. Game over friend, game over. I had no idea what I would do now. No phone. No entry into my car. No way home.

And then it happened. My "Somewhere Out There" moment that still blows my mind. Out of the corner of my eye I see some crazy hooker parked sideways in the middle of the street right in front of DISH. And by crazy hooker, I mean Jessica! I asked her why she happened to be parked sideways in the middle of the street and it turns out, bitch ran out of gas!

I tell you, what are the fucking odds!??? Why was she driving around Dish at 6am? Why did she leave me downtown in the first place? And how crazy that she happened to break down right there just minutes before I arrived?

So we sat in her car for a good 15 minutes laughing uncontrollably at the night's adventures that we both had. Then we decided we should get her car out of the road.

The wrap up: Little Phillip came and took us to get some gas. Then he let us crash at his place because if I had come home I never would've made it to work.

So that's my story, the end of my song. Did you learn anything valuable? I learned that Jessica and I may be the funnest people in the world (i.e: hot messes) and that if I pay people $20 they will talk to me all night and pick me up when I fall down.

Eddie never would've left me downtown.