Saturday, March 29, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Food Stress
As a lowly waiter of tables I have plenty of things I could bitch about regarding restaurant clientele...but I'll spare you and only bitch about one of those things.
Food is nothing to stress over. I believe this with all my tiny gay heart. However, people stress over food SO much that it's ridiculous.
Maybe I'm missing something, maybe I'm just a lot more laid back than your average joejane but if my burrito has sour cream beside it and I asked for no sour cream, I'm not going to pitch a giant fit about it and make a big scene in a crowded restaurant.
Why are you stressing out so bad because your fajitas aren't sizzling enough? Don't you have anything better to stress over in your life? Bills maybe? Your horrible marriage? Stress over those things for a minute and leave me out of it.
"I ASKED FOR CHICKEN NOT BEEEEEEF!"...alright well once you stop having a heart attack we will fix it. It's just food people, it's just food.
End of rant.
Food is nothing to stress over. I believe this with all my tiny gay heart. However, people stress over food SO much that it's ridiculous.
Maybe I'm missing something, maybe I'm just a lot more laid back than your average joejane but if my burrito has sour cream beside it and I asked for no sour cream, I'm not going to pitch a giant fit about it and make a big scene in a crowded restaurant.
Why are you stressing out so bad because your fajitas aren't sizzling enough? Don't you have anything better to stress over in your life? Bills maybe? Your horrible marriage? Stress over those things for a minute and leave me out of it.
"I ASKED FOR CHICKEN NOT BEEEEEEF!"...alright well once you stop having a heart attack we will fix it. It's just food people, it's just food.
End of rant.
Friday, March 21, 2008
death by seasame pork tenderloin
Tonight I popped my Texas de Brazil cherry and whilst stuffing my face with meat I discovered how I wish to die.
I plan to hire one of those delightful foreign meat men (MM if you're nasty) to do exactly what they do in the restaurant inside my apartment. O f course, I will have one of those "Meat cards" so that when I am sleeping, MM will know not to slice me off another piece of bacon wrapped fillet.
And thus I will eventually eat myself into some cow coma.
Or I will eat myself into the size of a cow and suffer from mad cow disease and end up devouring MM...thus dying in an very large jail cell.
Either way.
I plan to hire one of those delightful foreign meat men (MM if you're nasty) to do exactly what they do in the restaurant inside my apartment. O f course, I will have one of those "Meat cards" so that when I am sleeping, MM will know not to slice me off another piece of bacon wrapped fillet.
And thus I will eventually eat myself into some cow coma.
Or I will eat myself into the size of a cow and suffer from mad cow disease and end up devouring MM...thus dying in an very large jail cell.
Either way.
Monday, March 17, 2008
my cat's box
As I was sipping (i.e chugging) my chardonnay at the Blue Monkey last night, my friend Mark called me a name. Insisting it was a compliment I made him slowly say and spell the word which I think I heard on that old Jimmy Kimmel game show with the eye drop guy.
"You're an anomaly"
I asked for clarification and since he was slowly getting drunker he was making less sense by the second...
"you're the only guy...umm...who enjoys other guys...but...isn't concerned with...umm...the state of his cat's box?"
of course. the litter box explains everything! NO, no it didn't.
So I turned to dictionary dot com because I don't really know many words, yet here I am.
They say:
And let it be said...if he ever fucking says anything at all about my angular perihelion again I swear I'll need a new hard rocker friend.
"You're an anomaly"
I asked for clarification and since he was slowly getting drunker he was making less sense by the second...
"you're the only guy...umm...who enjoys other guys...but...isn't concerned with...umm...the state of his cat's box?"
of course. the litter box explains everything! NO, no it didn't.
So I turned to dictionary dot com because I don't really know many words, yet here I am.
They say:
1 : the angular distance of a planet from its perihelion as seen from the sun 2 : deviation from the common rule : irregularity 3 : something anomalous : something different, abnormal, peculiar, or not easily classified
And let it be said...if he ever fucking says anything at all about my angular perihelion again I swear I'll need a new hard rocker friend.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
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