Happy Valentines Day blog-readers (aka people I bug on facebook and twitter to read my ramblings that only do so to shut me up)! As I sit here in my Snuggie drinking a plastic cup of wine and watching any and every mind-numbing marathon I can find on television, I find myself reflecting on prior relationships/affairs (all of which I probably made up in my head) with fondness. But one is standing out in my mind...not because it was such a great affair but because it's hilarious and totally blog-worthy. Yay!
Let me set the scene for ya:
It was a dark time in my life. I was unemployed, no cellphone, no money, hadn't eaten in a long time, scrounging for pennies to buy Ramen at the grocery store next door. Let's just say, I was vulnerable and malnourished.
I don't recall the circumstances too clearly when I met Crackliet (I do not know the guy's name and probably never did), I do know I was walking home from a night out of mooching off some friends who had jobs and came upon a fellow wanderer. He seemed nice enough. A little jittery. And he followed me around a lot without talking too much. Exactly my type.
We finally arrive to my apartment where he talks me into letting him stay over, shower, and eat the rest of my 3 month old Saltines (all the food I had). I felt I was doing a nice thing for a long-time friend (6 minutes is a long time for me to keep a friend). Well, somewhere between his 30 minute shower and when he taught me what a crack pipe was and proceeded to use it in the middle of my room (don't worry, I just watched)...Crackliet fell in love.
I realized after the crack pipe and food was consumed that I was doing a favor for a probably homeless guy...so I did the only thing any nice American would do, I let him sleep on my futon and cuddled with him. Don't act like you haven't done that.
The next day, he caused me to miss a job interview because he would not leave or take a "hint" (saying "I have a job interview and you gotta go" is a hint right?), we watched a movie and then he agreed to hit the streets. I thought I was in the clear from my love-struck house guest because I had no phone, he had no phone and he was so high he wouldn't remember where I lived.
Wrong. For the next 5 or 6 or 7 days or months or years (seemed forever), Crackliet would stand in the parking lot of my apartment building and scream up to my window: "ERRRRRRRRRRRICO, ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRICO!!!!!" over and over and over. Which forced me to turn out all the lights and hit the deck...I pictured him scaling the walls (a superpower I believe all crack users have) and forcing himself in, I pictured him finding a way into the building and sleeping in the hall until I had to leave. Thank god I didn't have any reason to leave the building too often. This went on forever. And every time he yelled my name I came close to opening the window because from the floor of my apartment building, in the dark, I could hear his poor crackhead heart breaking all the way from the parking lot.
I'm a heart-breaker and an enabler. Who wants in???
Months and months later, when I secured a job, I was reading through the best magazine in the world JUST BUSTED where you can see who got arrested over the week and make fun of them when lo-and-behold I see a familiar beautiful face. Crackliet had been taken in for Indecent Exposure and Prostitution.
My biggest regret from this affair is...I forgot to charge him.
