Don't You Bring Me Down Today!

Let's face it. As a gay, ugly, fat, dim-witted, easy-to-manipulate type there's one thing I have going for me in today's world of Kool Kidz (I think that may be a daycare somewhere, because we need to start off teaching the children how to spell like hipsters...but that's another blog at another time on another internet), POP MUSIC!
Now, there's plenty of pop music that I love to dance to and listen to on a daily basis because it makes me happy and makes me move my booty. But there's one type of song that keeps popping up lately that I've hated for a very long time and I think it's about time for that to be pointed out and be stopped! I'm talking about the "Manipulative Feel Good Song for Suckers" (I really wish that made a cool acronym but alas).
It all began with a little crooner known as Christina Aguliera. Around the time she was getting "Dirrty" she was also reaching out to all us children sitting alone in our rooms cutting our little elbows with paperclips because we have no friends, with the beautiful ballad called..."Beautiful". Now, there is no way in hell I'm going to believe that when sitting down to write this song someone somewhere did not say "Hey, kids are sad these days, let's make some money off of them!". I just refuse to believe it.
And people ATE.IT.UP. There were tears and people coming out of their rooms for the first time in 7 years flaunting their pale skin and antisocial behavior singing at the top of their lungs to the KOOL KIDZ "I am beautiful no matter what you say!!!!"...only to realize once the song was over the reason they locked themselves up in the first place...while Ms. Aguliera stroked her beautiful weave with a pile of your tear-stained money!


So then a few years went by and we realized we were over it and we went all indie and stuff. Then out of nowhere comes something called a Lady Antebell...no wait. Lady Gaga! Yeah that "Lady". She sings a few booty-shaking songs and someone somewhere says, "hey, sad gay kids love your music and nothing is hotter right now than gay rights...let's make some money off these gullible fags!". So the "Lady" sits down and writes all about how it's okay, it's fine, be your gay little self because you were "Born This Way". I like the song. It's catchy. I'm all about self-empowerment. But god help me if when I'm in my $8/hr job in a hairnet and dirty apron, cleaning fish guts off of a plate someone drooled all over, the last thing I want to hear is that I was "born that way" and I should be proud of it. And I'm all about blaming it on my parents too but they deserve a little better. I'm getting away from the point.
Now they're everywhere. I got Katy Perry telling me I'm a goddamned firework in a clear ripoff of "True Colors" (which is the ONLY anthem you ever need ever, it's well done without being schmaltzy...except when Phil Collins ruined it). In other words, stop letting pop stars profit off your own personal issues with yourself. They're not trying to make you feel better. P!nk doesn't care if you went out and made your first friend after hearing her tell you that you're "Fucking Perfect". But she sure is happy you bought the album. I won't stand for it! I was going to burn them all in effigy in a church parking lot...but then I remembered I'm banned from all church parking lots and matches so that's out of the picture. Plus, how do you burn a MP3?

I leave you with this: "You're not beautiful, no matter what they write ,words can't make you diet"

Funemployed?

This little vacation from the work world that I recently, on my own accord, decided to take has been exhausting, eye-opening, exhausting, frustrating, utter BS, annoying, and other words that mean "I fucking hate it". But, while I sit here listening to my spirit animal Diana Ross sing me uplifting words about being touched in the morning and that love song about the dinosaurs...I realize I have learned some things. Here's a list, bookmark it so if you ever decide to take a vacation to Depressingville U.S.A, you can save yourself some soul searching and spend your time applying for jobs instead.

1. When you're broke, Ramen is a great breakfast/lunch/dinner/late night snack
2. Future employers do not enjoy the smell of Beef Flavoring coming from your mouth when you speak
   
3. Cats do not like Ramen but refuse to help with the bills.
   
4. You talk a lot about food that costs 33 cents.
5. You see other unemployed people walking the streets, you try to befriend them and come up with a strategy together, they have to hire one of you right? You hold meetings in abandoned parking lots and church steps but they only want to talk about God and biscuits.
   
6. You start to realize why these other people are unemployed.
7. You start to realize you're turning into one of those people and spend the rest of the week eating Ramen alone in your room and crying into your empty vodka bottle.
   
8. Job applications ask really stupid questions: "What Elementary School did you go to and what subjects did you study?"..."Well, I was the Champion Heads-Up-7-Up player in our school for 3 years. And if you need me to get us through the Oregon Trail, I'm your man!".
9. Those doing the hiring don't really give extra points for being a smart-ass on your application...Starbucks has NO sense of humor.
10. Craigslist is only good for job searching if you're looking for a job as a tranny hooker...and you want to die. I saw that Lifetime movie (like 90 times cuz I have nothing else to do).
    

But the number one thing I've come to realize during all this is...I NEED A JOB!

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