Eric Drunkypants Meets Gunny Jerkface

They're doing an "Old Ladies of Disco" medley on American Idol right now and I'm way too amused to concentrate on this blog. Hold please.




Alright. So most of you have heard this story, probably more than once but I had some requests for a "proper blog". Here we go.

After a long Sunday of drinking and seeing some theatre and drinking some more I decided to call it quits at the Blue Monkey around 3am and walk my car-less ass home...not my smartest idea but I've never claimed to be a smart drunk. On my way down Madison Ave. in front of the horrible Dragon China, a man whom I shall refer to as "Gunny Jerkface" approached me.

Gunny Jerkface: "Hey man, can I borrow a couple of bucks?"
Eric Drunkypants: "No sir, sorry"

and I went on my merry stumbling way until all of a sudden there was something blocking my way...oh! It was my friend Gunny Jerkface again but this time he was pointing a big ol' black gun right in my face.

THE REST OF THIS CONVERSATION CONTAINS LOTS OF F-BOMBS

GF: "I will f&%$@ shoot you in the face right now, I'll f!!!!)( kill you right now! Give me your money"
EDp: "Oh"

at this point I calmly took my wallet out of my torn pocket and handed him the $40-ish dollars I didn't spend at the bar(s). Thinking that our transaction was complete, I moved around him and continued my walk home.

GF: "HEY! Give me your motherf^^^^$$$& wallet!"

Now, at this point I was annoyed. He already had my money and threatened my life. What did he want my wallet for??? Was he freaking out about not being prepared for the Big Switch to digital t.v. and really needed my converter box coupon? Did he need my Sekisui discount card? So, I thought about it for .1 of a second.

EDp: "No sir. I need my I.D."

My drunk mouth has gotten me into many a-troubles but really, I've never been known to sass a man named "Gunny" who by chance also had a huge gun. Well, "Gunny" also was a little taken aback by my refusal to hand over my wallet and when I turned around to walk off he decided to take the douchebag approach and PUNCH ME IN THE BACK OF THE FREAKIN' HEAD!

When I fell from the pussy blow, Gunny ran off. Probably in fear that I would turn into the Hulk and HulkSmash him into the buffet in front of us. And then, after sobering up for a bit, my drunkness came back in full force and I RAN home, twittered about my mugging, and passed out.

I'm ok. It's not funny and I could've been seriously hurt but I'm not and I'm happy about that. Be careful guys, peeps is crazy.

Bar Encounter #1

I'll probably do a lot of these but for some reason every time I go out some random person assumes they know me. Here's the most recent one:

Slut*: HEY! I shampooed your hair the other day!
Me: No ma'am, I did that myself.


*I only call you a slut because you assumed I was one.