Halloweenoscopes

Your Halloweenoscopes courtesy of me and Old Milwaukee

Aries: Lay off the candy this year, only because it's soon to be Thanksgiving and all we need is to hear your mother talk about how you've "put on another 15 or so" and then refuse you the privilege of pumpkin pie. Costume suggestion: Hannibal Lecter (because your mouth would be caged? Get it?)

Taurus: All your friends are sick of hearing about all the parties you got invited to and how you just can't make up your mind which one to go to. They all know by "parties I'm invited to" you mean "parties I read about on someone else's Myspace page". So suck it up and carve a pumpkin with your little sister and watch "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" for the third time this week. Costume suggestion: Wear your pajamas and go as "sleepy and lame". No one's going to see you anyway.

Gemini: I know it's hard to figure out which crazy voice in your head you want to dress this year so I'll make it easy for you: dress them all! Costume suggestion: Ninja, Crazy cat lady, Joe Biden, Sexy pirate, and a pencil...all at once.

Cancer: So you're hosting a party eh? And you over boiled the noodles so that they don't feel like the witches hair anymore eh? Never fear! You'll need the food later when everyone leaves after you announce that you thought it would be fun to bob for apples instead of drink this year. Costume suggestion: Something you got from Party City on the day before Halloween...probably a witch hat.

Leo: I'm thinking you're going to be the one to hangout with this year! You got yo party socks on and pumpkin bucket filled with jello shots...however, please please please resist that urge that's telling you it will be funny to dress like Sarah Palin, please. You're going to thank me when every brunette who's voting Obama this year thinks they're clever too. Costume suggestion: Not Sarah Palin. Sarah Plain and Tall could be cool though.

Virgo: It's nice of you to buy so much candy for your trick or treaters this year but seriously, no one likes those nasty orange and black toffee things that your grandmother used to keep for years around her house because everyone threw them back at her. Feed those to your dog and go buy some Nerds (for me). Costume suggestion: Zombie Little Bo Beep, complete with Zombie Little Bo Sheep.

Libra: You love a good scare. So you're out for adventure. Scratch that idea to go see "Saw XX" or "The Haunting of Some Girl Who Screams a Lot" instead take your friends to the Baptist church and get a good old fashioned Jesus-scare and realize that you're a hellion and need to stop being such a whore. Costume suggestion: Mary Magdalen, it'll make it easier for them to point you in the right direction.

Scorpio: Dress up with a fellow Scorpio and see if you can get away with some trick or treating (don't go to a Virgo's house though unless you like those toffee things), if you can't, EGG 'EM! EGG 'EM GOOD! Costume suggestion: An egg.

Sagittarius: Out of money and unable to think of a costume idea, like me? Yeah I feel ya man. So find a good place for sitting, get a box of wine, and carve curse words into pumpkins and throw them at children...as the night goes on you will find the kids get drunker and so hitting them with pumpkins becomes more fun. Costume suggestion: Crotchety old man.

Capricorn: Old people need love to. So go visit a nursing home, dressed as something they may remember and love. Take them some candy corn and then relish in the fact that they can not have sweets past 3pm...so you can eat it while you watch the Weather Channel and listen to stories about how they had to make their own candy on Halloween, fifteen feet in the snow or however that goes. Costume suggestion: Walter Cronkite.

Aquarius: You're forcing your love interest to theme-dress with you. This will cause a giant riff in your relationship for the rest of your freakin' life, no matter how much they say they're okay with it. ESPECIALLY if it's something cutesy like Raggedy Ann and Andy (I think I saw that on tv or something, probably on the CW). I'm just sayin' if you love them, set them free...or let them dress like that sports guy they like. Costume suggestion: A Zoo animal because that will amuse me if you are a monkey or a panda.

Pisces: Halloween fights are the best. Bar brawls are cool and everything but man, when the people are dressed up it's TRIPLEDUPLE the hilariousness! Two ridiculously costumed drunkards trying to hit each other with a bunch of ridiculously costumed drunkards cheering them on is my idea of a grand Halloween. Make it happen, for me...and the children. Costume suggestion: I've always wanted to see someone in that two-person horse costume they always wear in cartoons and if I get to see one of those try to fight....best.halloween.ever.

Safety first! Check all your candy for razor blades and date rape drugs, unless that's what you're into and then, YAY!