Dirty Duerr is Comin' Soon...bitches

I'm a very busy guy. That being said, I feel I have no creative outlet in life. After saying that, I'll tell you a story.

My 10year highschool reunion was last weekend. I fasted for 100 days like Jesus did for his highschool reunion on only beer and Makers Mark and noisy sunchips for stamina. I was looking...the same just much drunker. I brought my partner in crime along for the ride so if all else failed (and it did) I knew I'd still have a great time.
Hotel room, police encounters, double bacon cheeseburgers, fireball after fireball shots, and a lot of acting a fool later...we forgot to go to the reunion. (Sidenote: we are nowhere close to the point of this blog so get comfy)

The ride back to Memphis was full of beer and a lot of talks about my new cartoon series about a yard gnome and his friend yard jesus and their fights with evil mister lawn jockey. Suddenly, as most things happen with me, I realized that idea was idiotic but that what I really want/need/must have before I go postal is to be on MTV cribs showing off things like my room where bikini bitches wait to have expensive liquor poured all over them and my arts and crafts room (that's what I call a wine cellar).

So I've been writing rap songs. Daily. T and I (not TI...he wishes) will soon hit the hiphop world hard with our beats and dope rhymes and outlandish outfits. And you may think I'm joking and maybe at one time I was but shit ya'll...being a wannabe rapper is fun as hell!

Taking posse applications soon. Youtube will be where I debut the song "Dope Dick" and well...I'm pretty much too hard for most of you now. I'd say I'm sorry but that just wouldn't be very street of me.

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The perfect way to bring down the crime rate.

It's no secret that I work in a restaurant. Two, in fact. Well, at one of these particular eating establishments (which I shall refer to as Slaggy's because it's my blog and I can do what I want)...so at Slaggy's every now and then the Court system or whoever brings in certain juries for their dinner. 15 or so people all followed around by police escorts whenever they go to the bathroom or get up to pick their nose in private or whatever people in juries do.

Well, today at Slaggy's I just happened to go over and take a nice long look at the "citizens" in this jury. The "group of persons sworn to render a verdict or true answer on a question or questions officially submitted to them". Now, I understand that this is supposed to be an impartial mix of all different types of voting citizens in the community but to me it looks like they go down to the local nuthouse and let everyone out for a field trip for a couple of hours. These people are THRILLED to be out in public but I agree with whoever decided it was against everyone's wishes that they be seen or integrate with the public at all...ever.

There's the crazy woman with sticks in her hair poking at Slaggy's sugar caddies like they might attack her at any second and she wants the Splenda to know who the boss is at the table (Spoiler: It's the Splenda). There's the guy hitting on the crazy Splenda-fighting-stick-haired woman. There's the one normal woman sitting in a corner eating cheesecake and you can just tell she's about to burn something down. And then. Then there's the best of all...

There's the woman who, when her salad with vinaigrette is brought out she stares at it for a long time...stares at it a little longer and says "Did I order this? To tell the truth, I'm not really sure what I ordered. Is this ranch?". "No, ma'am it's Vinaigrette". "Is that what I like? Is that what I ordered? Hm...Okay!".

So here's a little thing to keep in the back of your head next time you are contemplating a felony of any kind.

DO YOU WANT THE FATE OF YOUR LIFE RESTING IN THE HANDS OF THE WOMAN WHO DOESN'T KNOW IF SHE ORDERED RANCH OR VINAIGRETTE ON A SALAD SHE'S NOT EVEN SURE SHE ORDERED IN THE FIRST PLACE??? DO YOU???

I rest my case your honour.

Scratch n' Sniff blog #2

This is a scratch and sniff blog!

*sniff here*

on a downtown trolley

Long time no bloggy! I have received many a letter-bomb and smoke signal saying things like "Eric, where's the blog???" and "hey man, you're the only blog on the Internet that says stuff about stuff I don't care about...where did ya go????".

After months and months of debating whether to let these people commit suicide or to update my blog, I decided on the latter. Why? Because I'm sitting in a lesbian bar by myself leeching their free Internet and drinking their $2.50 beers and I have nothing else to do.

Long story short: I've been unemployed. I have no Internet at home. It makes blogging difficult. And even if I HAD Internet at home all I've been doing is sitting on my futon eating Ramen noodles and trying to make wine out of the cat. So there.

So after a month of searching I have found a day job. It pays nothing and is wayyyyy more exercise than I'm used to but it gives me something to do and gives my butt a rest. I've been passing out menus/promoting a new restaurant in downtown Memphis which is MUCH harder than I thought. My leg muscles soon will be able to crush your head!!!! MUHAHAHA!

Here are some things I've encountered in my week of downtown adventure.

• Numerous people peeing all over the place.
  
• People chasing me down trying to give me Jesus pamphlets. They won't even take a menu in return. "I don't need literature on how to be a sinner son"...wow.
• On Veteran's Day instead of watching the parade I watched grown people fight children for the candy being thrown in the streets. The children never won.
• A guy seriously tried to give me a box full of ceramic ducks "for the restaurant" and started screaming loudly when I wouldn't take it. At least he took a menu.
• Trolleys don't have to obey street lights and don't have to recognize pedestrians.

Nothing too exciting. And now my fingers are tired because I'm not used to doing anything but sitting around and watching the same episodes of The Simpsons over and over (I make my own commentary). Until next time ya'll!!! P.S: Send money!

Baby's first celebrity feud

So I've decided I need a new "thing". My "things" don't tend to last long so don't worry too much about it but hear me out anyway. Imma start as many celebrity feuds as I can. Wait until TMZ gets this scoop!

Eric vs. Lyle Lovette and his Large Band


The other day I was merrily on my way to the bus stop so that I could get on said bus and go to my job and make money to feed my starving cat (on my side yet?) when to my horror I noticed that my bus stop and the entire block was taken up by four large semi-trucks and a couple of tour buses (I KNOW!). Come to find out ol' Lovette was playing over at Minglewood Hall. So not only would the bus not have seen me had I stood there but I doubt any of those roadies would've let me hide inside and touch stuff.

"What ever did you do you poor thing?". Well, I had to...brace yourselves...WALK TO THE NEXT BUS STOP!!!!! Sorry if anything is misspelled right now, I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

So Lyle, for making me take 10 extra steps and probably stepping in some stuff that I wouldn't have stepped in otherwise...you're going down.

I await my apology. And a belt buckle.

High School Revisted: The Initial Horror

Today, whilst perusing Facebook for the 20th time in a mere 5 minute span, I noticed a group was formed all about planning our ten year high school reunion. Now, I knew it was inevitable and deep down I really knew we were coming up on it but still my initial reaction was "Nuh uh, I just graduated".

So after that shock I immediately went into panic-mode. Even though, thanks to assholes like Facebook, everyone knows what's up with me anyway. So I'm compiling a list of things to get done before said reunion. Or else I'm sending someone in my place. WHICH I really think would be hilarious. Especially if I can talk Spencer Pratt into it...or Oprah (people believe anything she says).

So far, here is my list:
1) Go on a 5 month fast, like Jesus did.
2) Borrow a baby or two so I can fit in with over half the people there...like Jesus did.
3) Convince someone to pretend to be my wife
4) Convince a hot guy to pretend to be my "business partner" that I brought along just for the heck of it and have my "wife" be perfectly oblivious.
5) Sex change
6) Two sex changes
7) If the fast doesn't work I want to gain about 300lbs and be escorted in on a crane. Now THAT'S an entrance!

If all else fails I'll probably go, get really wasted, and not remember any of it. Oh man, I wish it was tomorrow!!!