Only One!

If someone asked you to describe yourself by telling ONE joke that encompasses your sense of humor/style/personality as much as possible, what would it be?

I'm curious. I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.


p.s: Follow me on TWITTER if you're a nerd like that.

She won't go to her timeout chair...

Do you think Super Nanny would help me with my cat?

Memphis Pride

I think it was PRIDE or something in Memphis yesterday...it smelled of gay outside.

The parade goes right by Cafe Ole and I was waiting on a table (as I tend to do when in the mood):

Guy: What's going on? Some sort of gay parade?
Me: Correct.

Which got me to thinking...what clued that guy in first?
The men dressed like women?
The women who look like men?
The guys kissing other guys?
Madonna?
The feeling that everyone left skittles in their washing machines?

Whatever it was, that guy picked up on it.

This girl had on rainbow eyeshadow. Overkill or awesome? Not sure. Too much rainbow makes my head hurt.

I wanted to throw eggs at the parade. Not because I don't like the gays...but I'm pretty anti-parades without elephants.

That's all.

New job?

I need a job that puts my amazing text messaging ability to good/world-saving use.

Any ideas?

Where the boys are...

Attention ladies!

I have discovered where all the balding, single, slightly overweight, bad dressing men are at 11pm!

Why, they are at your local Schnucks Grocery Store...all buying the same thing!

1) Some variety of chip
2) Some variety of food that only needs a microwave
3) Some variety of beer that comes in packs of 6

I suspect a lot of you will be wanting to loiter around the Freezer section a little more now.

(let's forget the part that I only know this because I too was one of them except I think my fabulous hair caused a man to take the last bag of Cool Ranch Doritos out of spite, jerk)

Hiccups

Hiccups are annoying.
Hiccups in a crowded bar are even more so.

"Why are hiccups in a crowded bar more annoying BlogMan?", you ask. Well dear blog reader it's like this:

You get the hiccups in the midst of drinking with friends and all of a sudden you are surrounded by 30 drunken strangers who all want you to try some CRAAAAAAAAAAZY remedy for the hiccups that they have.

Last night it happened to me. And sure enough I had people throwing sugar packets at me, telling me to swing my head between my legs , chasing me around the bar with a spoonful of tabasco sauce (no joke), all the while I'm hiccuping like an idiot and looking like an idiot.

I can only imagine the joy people got watching me drink water through a napkin while saying the alphabet in spanish.

Well, finally a friend of mine said "follow me" and like a good sheep I followed. I started to get a bit skeptical when he went into the bathroom...at that point I loved the hiccups, they were my friends and nothing in that bathroom was worth losing friends over. When I looked up Bathroom Friend had a jar of something that he wanted me to drink.

"Magical Hiccup Potion?", I asked. "Yep".

So I drank. Just a sip. And as I felt it trying to come back up in a vomit-like fashion I noticed I was no longer hiccuping. No more hiccups! Just vomit! It's a miracle!

Moonshine is illegal why?

p.s: I didn't finish it

Dear Horrible Diet,

If it's any consolation, "The Baconater" from Wendy's wasn't even that good.


Love,
Fatty.