New job?

I need a job that puts my amazing text messaging ability to good/world-saving use.

Any ideas?

Where the boys are...

Attention ladies!

I have discovered where all the balding, single, slightly overweight, bad dressing men are at 11pm!

Why, they are at your local Schnucks Grocery Store...all buying the same thing!

1) Some variety of chip
2) Some variety of food that only needs a microwave
3) Some variety of beer that comes in packs of 6

I suspect a lot of you will be wanting to loiter around the Freezer section a little more now.

(let's forget the part that I only know this because I too was one of them except I think my fabulous hair caused a man to take the last bag of Cool Ranch Doritos out of spite, jerk)

Hiccups

Hiccups are annoying.
Hiccups in a crowded bar are even more so.

"Why are hiccups in a crowded bar more annoying BlogMan?", you ask. Well dear blog reader it's like this:

You get the hiccups in the midst of drinking with friends and all of a sudden you are surrounded by 30 drunken strangers who all want you to try some CRAAAAAAAAAAZY remedy for the hiccups that they have.

Last night it happened to me. And sure enough I had people throwing sugar packets at me, telling me to swing my head between my legs , chasing me around the bar with a spoonful of tabasco sauce (no joke), all the while I'm hiccuping like an idiot and looking like an idiot.

I can only imagine the joy people got watching me drink water through a napkin while saying the alphabet in spanish.

Well, finally a friend of mine said "follow me" and like a good sheep I followed. I started to get a bit skeptical when he went into the bathroom...at that point I loved the hiccups, they were my friends and nothing in that bathroom was worth losing friends over. When I looked up Bathroom Friend had a jar of something that he wanted me to drink.

"Magical Hiccup Potion?", I asked. "Yep".

So I drank. Just a sip. And as I felt it trying to come back up in a vomit-like fashion I noticed I was no longer hiccuping. No more hiccups! Just vomit! It's a miracle!

Moonshine is illegal why?

p.s: I didn't finish it

Dear Horrible Diet,

If it's any consolation, "The Baconater" from Wendy's wasn't even that good.


Love,
Fatty.

A Confession

I went through a denim jacket phase that I'm not particularly proud of.

I find myself turning into a crazy old lady more and more lately...

This morning I was talking to things in my bathroom. Not only talking to them but also assigning personality traits to them as well...I guess it makes me feel less crazy.

I really thought it strange that I said "good morning" to my contact lenses. But I also decided that my contact lenses are a little hard of hearing so I yelled it like they are in a nursing home.

I later stubbed my toe on the trashcan and apologized to it profusely.

Even the cat looks at me weird (i.e: jealously).

Quote of the Week: It's hard out there for a pimp but it's hard out there for a person too

I can't make this stuff up.

Not an April Fools joke. I repeat, NOT a joke.

Coming in July.

I might be way too excited about this. But I doubt it.